2016-03-20

Eurofinger

A very loose translation of this: http://amfora.livejournal.com/130436.html
Made some time ago, but still true.

The root cause of Ukraine's problems today is the Eurofinger. The Eurofinger is in a room with locked doors and no windows. Only with the Golden Key can one gain entrance. And while none can see inside the room, the doors are gilded and richly decorated. Such that every proper Ukrainian can tell at a glance: this is where the Good Stuff is kept, this is the place to go.

The first to enter the room was Yushchenko. After taking the key away from Kuchma, he opened the door and went inside. And inside the Eurofinger awaited him. Yushchenko tried to squeeze the Eurofinger but got nothing in turn. More creative attempts of licking, biting, sucking and gnawing led to no appreciable results either.

Yet Yushchenko dared not tell the people, much less open the door for all. He worried that they Would Not Understand, They would blame him. And perhaps beat him as well. Instead he returned outside and stated that there was Work To Be Done. He had no idea what to actually do, but the people were more than fine doing nothing. And so they all lived happily off old inheritance and new debt. Every so often Yushchenko would check up on the Eurofinger, just in case. In time Yushchenko handed the Golden Key over to Yanukovych through proper Democracy rituals.

Now Yanukovych approached the door with less hope and more care. The experience of his predecessor and the hard earned intuition of an old thief told him that all was not as it seemed. That this fairy tale may have a plot twist. So Yanukovych made sure to not ruin relations with neighbor Russia before using the Golden Key. And soon enough was proven right.

Cautiously Yanukovych unlocked the door and stepped inside. The same old Eurofinger was there. Half-hearted attempts to lick it went nowhere fast. Yanukovych left the room, looking inside one last time before locking it again. Eurofinger was unchanging, no Cornucopia to be seen.

Instead Yanukovych went to neighbor Russia. Not much to look at, none of that aristocratic breeding or liberal education. But she had a job that paid and Russia did not think herself above helping an old friend. Soon enough Yanukovych had a routine much like Yushchenko. Spending what he had, borrowing where he could, all with a little help from Russia.

But the people were watching and no sir they did not like it. That the boss would not hand the key to others was normal enough. But Yanukovych was not entering the room himself either! And why would the glorious holders of the Golden Key ever associate themselves with that crude unwashed Russia!? The people had a suspicion they were being made fools of.

As the anger grew Yanukovych tried to explain himself, to say he meant well, to tell of the Eurofinger. But the people would have none of that. They took away the Golden Key from Yanukovych. They called him names and ran him out of town.

Now the people needed a new leader, new holder of the Golden Key. A traditional Ukrainian election was held. Added up the votes, added in the money. Poroshenko had won.

For the longest time Poroshenko posed with the Golden Key. Showing it off from every angle. Telling everyone who would listen, and most who would not, that he was The One. He would open the doors to all. And all good things would pour out. Large and free for everyone.

Pausing to tell off Russia in a most crude manner, Poroshenko unlocked the door and strutted inside.

The Eurofinger awaited the victor.

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